Saying NO, or how do I say NO when everyone expects me to say YES?
Have you tried the techniques, read motivational articles, yet you keep slipping back into the same old pattern? Saying no is not a communication skill, it's an identity issue. This article is for those who already know they need to change, but have realised they can't do it alone. Through real stories, research and coaching experiences, we show you why most people fail and how a coach can help you finally learn to protect your boundaries. If you're tired of overcommitting and burnout, it's time to seek professional help.
Saying NO is not just saying the word. It is a skill you can learn, but most people fail at it because they try to work out the strategy on their own. The root of the problem is not in the words, but in the way you think about yourself, how you handle your relationships and your ability to tolerate the short-term disappointment of others for your own long-term well-being. If you've tried techniques, read articles, but you're still overcommitting, the problem isn't the method - it's that you're trying to do something on your own that you need a partner to do.
Martha was sitting in her office on Friday afternoon when her phone rang. It was a message from the company manager: "Márta, I know it's the weekend, but this is urgent. Can you do it tomorrow?" Martha felt her stomach clench. Her daughter was due to give the presentation at school on Saturday morning that she had been looking forward to for months. But what should she say? "Sure, I'll do it," she typed back. Because... what could she say?
Three months later, Martha sat across from one of our coaches and said, "You know, I thought if I was tough enough, I could do anything. But really I was just stupid enough to say yes to everything." He didn't cry. She just looked at herself, exhausted. Her daughter stopped asking if she was going to school programs. She was used to her mother being "busy".
If this sounds familiar to you, know that you are not here because you are weak. You're here because you've tried and you've realised that it's not as easy as motivation posts suggest.
If you continue reading, get ready, because I have covered a lot of ground and I've done a lot of research on the subject and tried a lot of things in real life. That is there is no topic or area that is not covered in this article, which I will not cover in this topic!
In exchange for good became long, however this is a piece of writing that is full of detail which is a catchphrase for saying NO also strongly supports changes.
For this The CoachLab team wishes you a good read, a successful NO and success, and the same to me, the author, the Coach, Rob Radó.
If you are only interested in certain areas and don't want to read all the way through, use the clickable table of contents. Although I think it's really worth reading through - especially because planned to be published as a paid e-book or PDF so detailed and professional material!
In the short term, probably you will only have access to this detailed, complete professional document in paid form! Over time, we will limit it to newsletter subscribers at a minimum. So if you read through or subscribe to our newsletter now, there's a good chance you won't miss out.
The art of saying no: For those or even those who find it hard to refuse
Saying no is an important tool for mutual respect and for protecting personal boundaries, preventing someone from abusing our hospitality or overcharging us.
This ability can apply not only to the behaviour of others, but also to the way we relate to events in the outside world.
To say NO, be kind and, briefly, tell us why you are saying NO. But stick to your decision even if someone tries to convince you.
The ability to say NO is crucial for mental health, self-empowerment and balanced relationships. However, many people they find it difficult to say NObecause they are afraid of conflict, rejection or hurting others.
Why is it difficult to say NO?
The difficulty of saying NO often comes from wanting to meet the expectations of others, fear of rejection or guilt. According to psychological research, self-regulation, autonomy and the development of 21st century skills are essential to be able to say no with confidence.
Can you learn to say NO?
Yes! Saying NO is a learnable skill, which contributes to mental balance and healthy relationships. Start with small steps, be patient with yourself and remember: you have the right to say no!
Why is it important to learn to say NO?
- Self-empowerment: It helps us protect our time, energy and boundaries.
- Healthy relationships: Clear boundaries inspire respect in others.
- Stress reduction: Over-compliance can lead to burnout in the long run.
Practical steps to learn how to say no
Alone you rarely use what you now find in this table, we just put it here to give you a broad outline of what to expect and some of the steps, the benefits and that it's not that complicated... But, unfortunately, it is, quite difficultbecause it is a habit and a basic feeling that is difficult to overcome... But if you read on, you'll see why and also that start on the road to saying NO.
| Step by | Description |
|---|---|
| Identifying your own needs | Think about what you want, what you need. |
| Short, clear answer | Just say no, it is acceptable without giving a reason. |
| Offer an alternative | If you want, offer another time or solution. |
| Practice | Practice saying no in safe situations to become more confident. |
Steps and psychological basics of saying no
Tips the change associated with saying NO to overcome guilt
- Remind yourself that saying NO is not selfishness, it is self-defence.
- Who respects you, is accept your limits.
- Practising saying NO becomes easier over time.
Why haven't the techniques you've tried worked?
You've probably read articles about it, how to say no. You may have tried "I'm sorry, but I can't do it right now", "Thank you for the invitation, but I can't do it right now" - these are nice, kind phrases that work perfectly well in theory. Then a real situation comes along and all your beautifully constructed plans come crashing down in two seconds.
You know why? Because saying no is not a communication technique. It is a identity issue.
When a leader tells me that he "can't say no", it's not that he doesn't know the right words. It's that his whole professional identity is based on the fact that he is the one who always solves the problem. He is someone you can count on. He is the one who never lets anyone down.
And what do I tell him now? To "just" say no? That's like telling him to "just" be a different person.
The real face of overcommitment
Tamás was a middle manager in an IT company when we first met. He was 47 years old, two children, twenty years of experience. He came to me saying "Retrieved from". But as we chatted, something else emerged: Tamás not for nothing did he take on too much (as some people say took on the tasks). Ő has chosen this.
Why? Because when you say no, two things can happen. Either they understand and accept it (the less common), or they don't understand and are disappointed, upset or even angry (the more common). And for Thomas the other person's frustration was more unbearable than his own exhaustion.
This is what most articles don't tell you: the notet saying is difficult because you have to sacrifice something. You have to sacrifice the other person's immediate goodwill or your good judgment. You must sacrifice the feeling that you are the saviour. You must sacrifice the illusion that everyone loves you because you are always there.
And it hurts. It hurts a lot more than you think.
When the leader cannot delegate - and there is no shame in this, few of us know this by default, but it can be learned!
I first worked with Eva when CoachLab was approached by a large company to help one of their top performing managers. Eva was brilliant. She had been with the company for 20 years, everyone loved her, her team adored her. And all the while, she was slowly collapsing under the strain.
"But I can do it much faster," he told me at our first meeting. And he was right. He really did do everything faster than his team. But what happened in the meantime? Her team didn't learn to work independently because Eve always took the burden off them first; Eve buried herself with tasks that others could have done; and the company couldn't grow because Eve became the bottleneck.
When I asked him how he delegates, and later why he doesn't delegate, he first said, "Because I don't trust them." But that was not true. As we dug deeper, the truth emerged: Eve didn't delegate because if she delegated, she you will need others. And when you need others, you become vulnerable. And if he becomes vulnerable, he may find that he is not as indispensable as he felt.
(It may not even be as popular as it has been in the past.)
This is a cruel truth, but it needs to be said: many leaders cannot delegate because their self-image depends on their ability to they can do anything. Delegation is not only about handing over the task; it is also about admitting it: you are not needed for every little decision.
And it's a huge identity change.
The burnt-out middle manager who solves everyone's problems
István worked for a manufacturing company. Production manager. Responsible for sixty people. And every time someone had a problem, Istvan solved it. He didn't send them out to work it out for themselves; he didn't ask them back, "What do you think?"; he didn't teach them how to solve problems. He just did it.
Then one day Istvan didn't come to work. He didn't call anyone, didn't write anything. He just... didn't come in. His wife called the company at noon to say that Istvan had been sitting on the edge of his bed since morning, unable to move. He didn't dare come into the office. Physically, he couldn't.
Panic attack? Burnout? Depression? All three. And you know what the first thing he said when we met after two weeks? "But now they are there without me and they don't know what to do."
Stephen still wanted to be the problem solver. Even when his own body had given up.
I see this pattern a lot: you say yes to everything until your body says no instead, or your body says no: enough.
And even then we don't understand. Even then we don't learn to say no. We just experience burnout as shame, and then go back and start the same thing all over again.
What does the research say?
An Harvard Business Review 2024 study showed that 68% of middle managers at least 15 hours per week is filled with tasks that, which are not his responsibility, but they could not refuse the invitation. This is 780 hours per year - almost a full working month, which wasted on the tasks of others.
But the problem is not just quantity. Research has also shown that it's the leaders who can't say no, 30% is more likely to show symptoms of burnout, and 40% more likely to change jobs within two years.
[Source: Harvard Business Review, Autumn 2024, "The Hidden Cost of Yes: How Middle Managers Burn Out"]
Éééésss… egy video a NEMet mondás blog postomhoz kapcsolódóan (AI!)
Why can't you say NO? (The real reasons)
Now comes the hard part, where we have to be honest with each other. The problem with saying NO is never about "not knowing the words". It comes from a deeper place. And until we face up to this, no matter how many techniques you try, you will always slip back into the old pattern.
1. The hunger for recognition
Let's face it: it feels good when someone asks you to do something. It means that you are needed. It means you are important to me. And every time you say yes, you get a little recognition in return. "Thank you, Zsuzsa, I can always count on you, you can always be counted on!" - and that's sweet. It's so sweet, it's almost you become dependent on it.
But here's the catch: the recognition you get is always less than you deserve. Because if you always say yes, then no longer recognition, but expectation. "Of course Zsuzsa does it, she always does it" - and suddenly they don't thank you because natural.
2. Fear of conflict
For many people, saying no equals conflict. And I understand that. Because when you say no, sometimes there really is tension. The other person might be disappointed, they might be upset. And if you're the type of person who hates conflict, you're more likely to overcommit than face it.
But I have some bad news: conflict is coming anyway. If you don't say no now, you'll explode later when you can't take it anymore. And that conflict will be much worse than if you had said no now, calmly, respectfully, but firmly.
3. The illusion of indispensability
This is the most difficult. Many people don't say no because their self-image depends on them being "indispensable". If they always say yes, they are always needed. And if they are always needed, they feel safe.
But it's a trap. Because indispensability does not equal security. In fact, it's quite the opposite: if you're the only one who can do things, then you can't rest, you can't go on holiday, you can't be sick. You are your own jailer.
The art of saying NO - what no one has told you before
Now comes the point where most articles start to list the techniques. "Say this... use this formula... be assertive..." and they're not bad. But you know what the problem with them is? That assume that you are ready to say no. But the reality is that most people are not ready for this.
Not because they are weak. But because a lifetime of learning that saying yes = good person and saying no = selfish person. And this cannot be solved in a two-hour self-awareness workshop.
Why do you need to coach, for workplace NEMs executive, business coach, in private life, outside work life coach?
Let me tell you something you might not want to hear, but you must. When a leader comes to us at CoachLab and says, "I want to learn how to say NO," our first few sessions are not about saying no. It's about exploring, what's in the background.
Because do you know the difference between trying to learn it on your own and with a coach? It's that no one wants to face their own inner drive alone. This is painful. It is uncomfortable. And when you're on your own, it's always easier to say "Well, next time I'll say NO" - and keep scrolling on your phone, or get back on the wheel and do the same thing, in the same way and with increasingly depressing and demotivating YESes for yourself.
A coach asks uncomfortable questions. A business executive coach doesn't let you run away from the answer. A coach sees patterns you can't see because you live in them.
The four (4) levels: where are you now?
We have made a table to show you what level you are at now. It's not about assessing you - it's about seeing clearly where you are.
| SCINT | WHAT TO DO | WHAT YOU FEEL. | WHAT IS THE CONSEQUENCE | WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1. Automatic Yes | Whatever anyone asks, you say yes before you even think. | Feel good when asked, then panic and overload. | Burnout, frustration, no time for the important things. | That you have the right to think before you answer. |
| 2. Conscious Yes | You know you're taking on too much, but you keep saying yes because "you can't help it". | Guilt, anger at yourself, helplessness. | Health problems, relationship difficulties, losing yourself. | That saying no is not selfishness, but self-defence. |
| 3. Tortured Genders | Sometimes you say no, but then you spend days thinking about it and explaining. | Fear, doubt, constant need to explain. | Insecure communication, no one takes your boundaries seriously. | That you don't have to explain, and it's okay if someone is disappointed. |
| 4. Confident Boundaries | You know what's important to you and you calmly, respectfully but firmly say no. | Peace, control, respect for yourself and others. | Healthier relationships, more time for the important things, better performance. | That maintaining boundaries is an ongoing exercise, not a one-off achievement. |
Look at this table and be honest with yourself: what level are you at?
If not on the fourth, what is stopping you from achieving it?
Five (5) situations when you said YES but should have said NO
Let's look at five specific situations that might be familiar to you. And don't just read them, think about them: how would you have reacted?
1. The boss sends the "urgent" assignment on Friday afternoon
The situation: On Friday afternoon at 4:45 pm, the email or message comes, "I know it's the weekend, but this is very important. Can you do it by Monday?"
What you say: "Sure, I'll do it."
What you should say: "I understand it's important, but I have a different programme planned for the weekend. Can we talk about it on Monday morning to check the schedule?"
Why don't you say so? Because you are afraid that if you say no, they will think you are not committed. But you know what the truth is? If you work every weekend, it's not commitment, it's exploitation. And you allow it yourself!!!
2. The colleague asks for a "small favour"
The situation: A colleague comes to you: 'Listen, can you help me with this? It would be easy for you and it would take me hours."
What you say: "Yeah, okay, send it over, I'll check it out."
What you should say: "I'm sorry, but now I have to concentrate on my own projects. But can I recommend a good tutor or maybe someone else from the team?"
Why don't you say so? Because you don't want to be "difficult", to be seen in a bad light. But you forget that your time is valuable too, and even more so! Just because you can do it faster doesn't make it your responsibility.
3. Your team member comes to you again and again for a solution
The situation: A team member comes to you, "I have a problem, I don't know how to solve it, can you help me?"
What you say: "Sure, show me, I'll do it."
What you should say: "Before we jump in, tell us, what have you tried? What are your ideas on how to do it?"
Why don't you say so? Because is faster to do than to teach. But what are you doing in the meantime? You create a dependent situation, where they never learn to work independentlyand you lose all your time.
4. The family member would come to you with "just a little something"
The situation: Your mum/brother/sister/relative calls you: "Can you help me tomorrow, it'll just take a little time?"
What you say: "Yes, of course."
What you should say: "I'd love to help, but unfortunately I can't tomorrow. Can we arrange another day that works for both of us?"
Why don't you say so? Because you feel you're a bad person if you say no to your family, don't you? Wrong! You're a bad person you sacrifice your own health to be seen as a good person. A family is not eligible to ensure that each time leap over your boundaries.
5. You are the one who is "always organising" things
The situation: At work, with friends, with family - you're the one who organises the events, remembers birthdays, brings people together.
What you say: (Nothing, you just do it.)
What you should say: "I'm sorry, but I can't deal with everything right now. Who can take care of it now?"
Why don't you say so? Because if you don't do it, no one else will. And that can be true. But you know what the other truth is? If you always do it. they will never learn. You keep them dependent; they are not dependent on you, you are and you become your own prisoner.
The practical steps - but watch out!
Now for the "practical tips", right? Like "say this", "use this technique", "be firm but nice".
And I could give you a list that goes like this:
- First say something nice
- Then clarify why you can't do it
- Offer an alternative
- Close it down so you understand the situation
But you know what the problem is? This will not work. Not because the techniques are bad; but because behind the techniques we don't have that internal shiftwithout which it will remain empty text.
When Gábor, Managing Director of a large financial institution first tried to use these formulas, he said, "I feel like a robot. I know what I'm supposed to say, but I'm sweating to death and it's obvious I'm lying."
Because saying no is not a communication technique. It is a external expression of internal situation. If you're not OK inside by saying that NOyou say, even with the best words you'll sound like you're making excuses.
What can you do now?
If you're thinking "okay, but what do I do now?", then let me tell you something that may help. Here are three things you can do right NOW:
1. Take a deep breath and admit to yourself, "I can't do this alone."
This is not a weakness. It is clarity. If you have tried and failed, it does not mean that you are incompetent; it means that you are on this topic we need someone to lead.
2. Describe three situations in the past week when you said yes but knew you should have said NO.
Don't analyse it now. Just write it down. Because as long as it's a vague feeling inside you, it's easy to dismiss. But if you write it down, it will be concrete. And concrete is something you can work with.
3. Ask yourself, "What am I losing if I keep doing this?"
Don't ask "what if I said no" - because that creates fear. It's asking. what is the cost of not changing. Where will I be in five years? How will my health be? My relationships? My career? If you can see this clearly, you no longer need motivation, just common sense.
When it's too late - on the verge of burnout...
András its executive coaching programme We started last year. The first time we met, the conversation had barely started and she was in tears after the first ten minutes. There was nothing dramatic. I just asked her, "When was the last time you had a day where you slept well and woke up fresh?"
He could not answer. Because he did not remember.
András was the IT manager of a telecommunications company. A brilliant professional, a wonderful person. And he went broke. By the time he came to us, he had been taking regular sleeping pills for 18 months, otherwise he couldn't sleep. He worked constantly after hours, with his laptop on at weekends. His wife stopped telling him about it because it turned into a fight every time.
"But what can I do?" - he asked me. "If I don't do it, it won't be done. And if it's not ready, I'm responsible. I have no choice."
Yes, you can choose. But first you have to learn to see that you have choices.
The four (4) stages of burnout
A recent analysis by Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management found that executive burnout occurs in four stages, and in each stage the lack of saying NO is in the background.
1. Over-commitment stage: You think you can do it all. You take on tasks with energy, you feel comfortable when they ask for your help.
2. Stress stage: You start to feel the pressure, but yet you deny. "I'm just tired", "I'm just busy right now". You think about work all the time, you have poor sleep quality.
3. Decline stage: You will feel cynical, tired, have difficulty concentrating. You neglect yourself, your relationships. But you keep working because "you have to".
4. Crisis phase: Panic attacks, physical symptoms, inability to go to work. At that point it's too late to do anything on your own; you won't get out without help.
[Source: Kellogg Insight, 2024 January, "The Burnout Cascade: How Leaders Fall Apart One Yes at a Time"]
András was on the verge of the third and fourth stage. And you know what the saddest part of it all was? That he could be found at. He knew he was going to burn out. He knew he was taking on too much. And yet he couldn't change. Because he was alone in it.
A CoachLab approach - why is it different?
I know you've read a lot so far coaching, self-development, and you may be sceptical. "Yep, yet another coaching company who says they're the solution." Right. But let me tell you something that might help you understand how and why we work differently.
When someone says to us "I want to learn how to say NO", we don't give them a list of tips and then say goodbye. Because that doesn't work. You know that, or you wouldn't be here.
What we do is identity work. Because saying no is not a communication problem, it shows that how you think about yourself, what do you think about your own values, and how much you are willing to endure short-term discomfort for your long-term well-being and emotional well-being and often the your physical health and your relationships because of burnout. So the stakes are high, believe me... or maybe you already know that...!
What does a coaching process look like at CoachLab?
Let's look at the case of Sofia. Zsófi worked as an HR director in a multinational company. When she came to us, the first thing she said was "I know I should say no, but I just can't."
In our first meeting, we did not talk about how to say no. We talked about why Zsófi thinks she always has to be there. It turns out that when she was a little kid, her mom always told her, "You're the oldest, I'm counting on you." And Zsófi learned that his value comes from the extent to which he can be counted on.
In the second session we talked about what Zsófi loses when she says yes to everything. Not what the other person gains, but what he loses. And when she described how much time she lost in her daughter's early years of togetherness because she always had "important" work to do, something in her cracked.
At the third meeting I did not have to convince him that he should say NO. We were talking about how. But this time we were not learning techniques; we were talking about how Zsófi feels when she imagines that says NOT. And these feelings we have processed.
After the coaching process, five months later, Zsófi called me again. Not because there was a problem, but to tell me: promoted. Why? Because when learnt to say no to unnecessary things, you finally had time to make the really important focus on things. And it showed. No is why he became a better leaderbecause he did more, but because, because less is better.
What does coaching give you that you cannot achieve alone?
Let me be honest with you. You might be thinking, "Okay, nice stories, but I'm strong, I can do this on my own." And you might be right. Maybe you are the rare person who can transform yourself without outside help.
But what if it doesn't? What if you're going to live like this for another five years, more and more exhausted, with less and less sleep and energy, more and more stress, frustration and guilt? Is it worth the risk?
A coaching not because you are weak. A coaching it works because, because someone sees what you can't see. Someone asks you uncomfortable questions that you wouldn't ask yourself. Someone doesn't let you run away from the real problem.
CoachLab experience is that people who learn to set boundaries through coaching, achieve in 3-4 months on average what they could not achieve in 2-3 years alone. And not because magic happens in coaching sessions; but because someone to accompany them on a journey they would never have made alone.
The four pillars of saying NO
Coaching in our processes in four key areas we workwhen it comes to saying no. And notice: none of them are about "what to say". They're all about. off or inside.
1. Önismeret: What is your real value?
I ask all my clients, "If you lost all your jobs tomorrow, who would you be?" And you know what the most common answer is? The Silence. Because many of us define ourselves by what we do, not who we are.
When you learn that your value does not depend on how much you commit, then saying NO is no longer a threat. It is self-defence.
2. Priorities: What really matters?
There's an exercise I use a lot. I ask the client to describe the three most important things in your life. Family, career, health, whatever. Then I'll ask you to write down what you've spent your time on in the past week. And you know what you find out? That the three most important things are usually not on the list.
Why? Because we cannot say NO to things that seem urgent but not important. And in the meantime the really important things are waiting. And they are. And they wait.
3. Communication: How do you say what's inside you?
Okay, now comes the part where we do talk about communication. But not like the other articles. Because communication is not a matter of words; it's a matter of credibility question.
Do you know how people feel when you say no, but you're making excuses, explaining yourself, and you look like you're in agony? They feel like you are not convinced by what you say. And then you will be questioned. And then you'll back down.
But if you are calm inside by saying no, the other person will be calm too. Most conflicts do not arise from saying NO, but from you are unsure.
4. Consistency: How do you maintain your boundaries?
This is the most difficult. Because you can say NO once, but if you keep saying NO, no one will take you seriously. Maintaining boundaries is a constant exercise.
Remember Martha, who we started with at the beginning of this article? Six months into the coaching process, her boss called her again on Friday afternoon. Same request: "Urgent, can you do it tomorrow/Monday?"
And Martha replied, "I'm sorry, but I have a family weekend planned. We'd be happy to talk about it on Monday morning and see how we can work it out."
Was your boss happy about that? Not very much. Did he approve? Eventually, yes. Did it ruin Martha's career? No. In fact, four months later she was promoted (to the same level as her former boss) because she had learned draw boundaries and become more efficient as a result.
When saying NO changes your life
So, towards the end, I would like to end with an instructive but touching story, which for me shows everything about why it is worth doing this and going down this path.
Paul was the owner of a construction company. When we first met, ! 20 hours ! (Can you imagine? I found it hard to believe at first). He didn't work so much because he had to, but because couldn't say no to anyone. Not for your customers, not for your workers, not for your family.
One day he was in his car, on his way home from a construction site, when he stopped on the side of the road. Not because there was anything wrong with the car. It was because he realized: can't remember the last time he was happy.
When he started the coaching process, the first three sessions were terrible. He kept saying "but there's nothing else I can do". And she always found a reason, an excuse why saying no wouldn't work for her. "It's different for me", "It doesn't work in my industry", "You don't understand, it's the way we do it"...
But then something happened. In the fourth session I asked him, "Paul, why are you in construction, why are you in construction?" And he said, "Because I like building. I like making something from nothing."
"And now you're building?" - I asked.
Silence. Long silence. Then, "No. I administer, fire, explain. But I don't build."
This was the turning point. When Paul realised that because he couldn't say NO, he had lost what he had started out to do, something in him changed. I did not convince him. He saw it for himself.
A year later, Paul was working 501TP3K less, his company was 301TP3K more profitable, and when we met for coffee, he told me so:
"You know what's best? Now I'm home in the evenings when my daughter goes to bed. And yesterday she asked me, "Dad, are you always going to be here now?"
And that's why we do it!
Practical table: the anatomy of "No"
I will now show you something that may help you to see that saying NO has different "weights". Not all NOs have to look the same.
| TYPE OF PLACE | DISCOUNT | HOW TO SAY NO | WHAT NOT TO DO | EXPECTED REACTION |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Boss's urgent request for the weekend | Medium - career-related | "I understand the urgency, but I had already planned for the weekend. Can we discuss the timing on Monday?" | Don't over-explain, don't give out the details of your programme straight away | There may be initial resistance, but if you are consistent, they will accept it |
| A colleague delegates their work to you | Low - not your responsibility | "Now I have to concentrate on my own projects. I can recommend resources that can help." | Don't do it instead, don't feel bad about it | Disappointing, but learn that you are not the escape route |
| Team member expects you to solve problems | Medium - management responsibility vs. development opportunity | "Before I help, tell me, how would you approach it? What have you tried?" | Don't solve it for him, don't take away his learning | Frustration at first, but progress in the long term |
| Customer asks for an unrealistic deadline | High - business relationship | "I want to ensure quality. I can guarantee it for X amount of time, or a reduced scope for Y amount of time." | Don't make impossible promises, don't compromise quality for deadline | Negotiation, but respect for professionalism |
| Family member keeps asking for help | High - emotional attachment | "I'm happy to help, but right now I have to mind my own business. [Specific time] I could." | Don't feel automatic guilt, don't always become available | Insult may be possible, but in the long run it is a healthier dynamic |
What happens if you still can't change?
Now I want to talk about something that is uncomfortable but important. What happens if you read this article, nod "yes, that's true for me" and then do nothing?
I'm not asking to scare you. I'm asking to. be aware of your choices. Because it is also a choice.
The five years from now scenario
Imagine yourself five years from now. Everything goes on as it is now. Every day you wake up tired, hunched over under the weight of work and expectations. You come home late every night, exhausted, and you know that tomorrow will be the same.
What about your health then? Your family?... A 2023 Stanford Medicine study showed that people who chronically overcommit and can't say NO have three times more likely to develop cardiovascular problems, are twice as likely to suffer from chronic anxiety or depression.
[Source: Stanford Medicine, Health Outcomes Research, September 2023, "Chronic Overcommitment and Long-term Health Implications"]
What about your relationships? Your children? Your partner? How much time will you lose from moments that you can never, ever, ever make up for and get back?
And your career? Because yes, you may think that the more you work, the better you get. But the reality is that the ones who burn out are the ones they do not get ahead. They stay stagnant because they have no energy for new things, no creativity, no vision. They just do the drudgery.
The reverse scenario
But imagine the opposite. Imagine that you are deciding now. Not tomorrow, not next week. Now.
You pick up the phone, write an email and start the coaching process with us or someone else. Six months later, you're not the same person. You've learned what's really important to you. You have learned how to say NO without things falling apart around you. You have learned that your time is as valuable as other people's time.
So what changes?
All.
Not every day will be perfect. But it doesn't have to be. Because you won't have that overwhelming feeling of being responsible for everything. No more panic when the phone rings. There won't be the waking up at night, staring at the ceiling and lying awake depressed wondering what tomorrow will bring.
Instead, there will be energy. Creativity. Joy. And best of all. your presence and your presence! You will be present in your own life. You will not just be a robot, a function to be used, but a human being who lives.
Next steps - what can you do now?
OK, we've come to the point where you have to decide. Will you read another article tomorrow about the same thing, but in different words? Or are you going to take the first step right now?
If you want to act now:
Step 1: Contact us
You don't have to commit immediately to a month-long or year-long programme. Just one conversation. An honest conversation about where you are now and how we can help.
Write us your info@coachlab.hu or fill in the form by clicking on the button below or by writing to On the CoachLab website, and write: "I want to talk about saying no." That's it. No need to write a long essay.
Step 2: A short free online consultation
The first interview is free. Not because we're good-hearted (although we are), but because so we can both see if it makes sense for us to work together. Not every person, not every situation, suits every coach. And that's okay.
Step 3: If it fits, we start
If we feel we can help, and you feel this is the path you want to take, we'll put together a tailor-made programme. It can be executive coaching if you are in a leadership position, it can be career coaching, if you struggle with workplace dynamics, or even life coaching, if you have trouble drawing your boundaries in general.
You can find our prices on the CoachLab.hu/coaching-arak but we'll talk through what suits your situation at the first meeting anyway.
If you're not ready:
And if you're not ready now? That's okay too. Really. But then do one more thing:
- Save this article. So that two months later, when you find yourself falling into bed at 11pm, totally exhausted and thinking "this can't go on", you can read it back.
- Talk to someone. With your partner, a friend, a family member. Show this article and ask: "What do you see? Am I overreacting?" And be ready to listen to the answer, even if it hurts.
- Write down the following three genders. In the next two weeks, there will be three situations where you have to say no, but you know you won't. Write them down in advance. So that when the moment comes, you're aware of, "This is happening now. Now I'm going to say yes again when I should be saying no."
Maybe that will be enough to make a change. Maybe not. But at least you'll see the pattern.
Concluding thoughts
There's a quote Simon Sinek said in a TED talk that always comes to mind when I talk about saying NO:
"People who always say yes end up living a life that is the perfect life for others. But it's never theirs."
This is the truth I want you to take with you. Saying no is not about being selfish. It's about seeing yourself as valuable enough to live your own life, not to live up to the expectations of others.
And if there's one thing I've learned from 25 years of leadership experience and more than a decade of coaching, it's that very few people can do it alone. Not because they are weak. It's because most people need someone to see the blind spots they can't see. Who asks the questions they don't ask themselves. To guide them along the path they dare not walk alone.
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At CoachLab, we don't work to tell you what to do. We work to be there for you while you you you'll know what to do. And that's the difference.
If you feel it's time to not only read about change, but to start, contact us now. A conversation. That's all. Then we'll see what the next step is.
Because the only thing that will definitely not work is if you carry on as you are.
And you know it.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Why is it so hard to say NO, even when I know I should?
Gender is not a matter of communication, but of identity. Many people define themselves as the ones who "solve", "help", "are there". When you say no, you feel you are giving up what makes you valuable. This is a deep-rooted belief that cannot be changed by simple techniques - hence the need for coaching to support identity-level change.
How long does it take to learn to say no with coaching?
Most of our clients achieve a visible change in 3-6 months. But it's important to understand: it's not about being "done" after six months. Saying no is an ongoing exercise, because it's about turning a strong habit into a new habit, but during coaching you learn the internal skills that you can then apply yourself. The start of change is usually noticeable after the first 4-6 sessions.
Won't my career be ruined if I say no to my boss?
This is the most common fear, but the reality is that the opposite is true. Leaders who learn to set firm but respectful boundaries are more likely to move forward and gain more respect in their role as an actuary, both from their colleagues and from their managers and leaders. Why? Because they can prioritise, work more efficiently and don't burn out. Good bosses respect people who know what they have the capacity to do. And bad bosses would take advantage of you if you let them - so it's better to draw the line now!
What's the difference between trying to learn to say NO on my own, and Coach helping me?
From experience, what seems to happen when you go it alone is that you read techniques, learn techniques in training, try to apply them, and then when they don't work (because the internal barriers are still there), you give up. The coach sees the internal patterns and resistances that make the techniques not work. He asks uncomfortable questions, doesn't let you run away from the real problem, and to guide you along the path you would never walk alone.
How can I decide whether I need executive coaching, business coaching, organisational development or life coaching?
If the problem of saying no is primarily a apply at your workplace - management decisions, delegation, team management - then the executive coaching business coaching or organisational development is the right one.
If it is a more general life management issue, family or friends, and you have trouble setting boundaries outside work, then the life coaching may be the better choice. But at the first consultation, we'll discuss which path suits you better.
