Saying NO, or how do I say NO when everyone expects me to say YES?

Have you tried the techniques, read motivational articles, yet you keep slipping back into the same old pattern? Saying no is not a communication skill, it's an identity issue. This article is for those who already know they need to change, but have realised they can't do it alone. Through real stories, research and coaching experiences, we show you why most people fail and how a coach can help you finally learn to protect your boundaries. If you're tired of overcommitting and burnout, it's time to seek professional help.

A NEMet mondás nem egy egyszerű szó kimondása. Ez egy készség, amit megtanulhatsz, de a legtöbb ember azért bukik el vele, mert önmagában próbálja kidolgozni a stratégiát. A probléma gyökere nem a szavakban van, hanem abban, ahogy önmagadról gondolkodsz, hogyan kezeled a kapcsolataidat, és mennyire vagy képes elviselni a másik rövid távú csalódását a saját hosszú távú jólléted érdekében. Ha már próbálkoztál technikákkal, olvasgattál cikkeket, de továbbra is túlvállaló vagy, akkor nem a módszer a probléma - hanem az, hogy egyedül próbálsz megoldani valami olyasmit, amihez partnerre van szükséged.

Márta pénteken délután ült az irodájában, amikor megcsörrent a telefonja. A cégvezetőtől jött az üzenet: "Márta, tudom, hogy hétvége van, de ez sürgős. Meg tudod csinálni holnapra?" Márta érezte, ahogy összeszorul a gyomra. A lánya szombaton délelőtt tartotta volna a bemutatóját az iskolában, amit hónapok óta várt. De mit mondjon? "Persze, megcsinálom" - gépelte vissza. Mert hát... mit is mondhatott volna?

Három hónap múlva Márta egy coachunkal ült szemben, és azt mondta: "Tudod, azt hittem, ha elég kemény vagyok, akkor mindent el tudok végezni. De valójában csak elég hülye voltam ahhoz, hogy igent mondjak mindenre." Nem sírt. Csak nézett maga elé, kimerülten. A lánya már nem is kérdezte, hogy elmegy-e az iskolai programokra. Megszokta, hogy anya "elfoglalt".

If this sounds familiar to you, know that you are not here because you are weak. You're here because you've tried and you've realised that it's not as easy as motivation posts suggest.

If you continue reading, get ready, because I have covered a lot of ground and I've done a lot of research on the subject and tried a lot of things in real life. That is there is no topic or area that is not covered in this article, which I will not cover in this topic!
In exchange for good became long, however this is a piece of writing that is full of detail which is a catchphrase for saying NO also strongly supports changes.

For this The CoachLab team wishes you a good read, a successful NO and success, and the same to me, the author, the Coach, Rob Radó.

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In the short term, probably you will only have access to this detailed, complete professional document in paid form! Over time, we will limit it to newsletter subscribers at a minimum. So if you read through or subscribe to our newsletter now, there's a good chance you won't miss out.

The art of saying no: For those or even those who find it hard to refuse

Saying no is an important tool for mutual respect and for protecting personal boundaries, preventing someone from abusing our hospitality or overcharging us.
This ability can apply not only to the behaviour of others, but also to the way we relate to events in the outside world. 

To say NO, be kind and, briefly, tell us why you are saying NO. But stick to your decision even if someone tries to convince you. 

The ability to say NO is crucial for mental health, self-empowerment and balanced relationships. However, many people they find it difficult to say NObecause they are afraid of conflict, rejection or hurting others.

Why is it difficult to say NO?

The difficulty of saying NO often comes from wanting to meet the expectations of others, fear of rejection or guilt. According to psychological research, self-regulation, autonomy and the development of 21st century skills are essential to be able to say no with confidence.

Can you learn to say NO?

Yes! Saying NO is a learnable skill, which contributes to mental balance and healthy relationships. Start with small steps, be patient with yourself and remember: you have the right to say no!

Why is it important to learn to say NO?

• Self-empowerment: It helps us protect our time, energy and boundaries.
• Healthy relationships: Clear boundaries inspire respect in others.
• Stress reduction: Over-compliance can lead to burnout in the long run.

Practical steps to learn how to say no

Egyedül ritkán használ amit most ebben a táblázatban találsz, csak azért tettük ide, hogy lásd nagyaon nagy vonalakban, hogy mire számíts és lásd néhány lépését, előnyeit és azt is, hogy nem annyira bonyolult... De, sajnos mégis, quite difficultbecause it is a habit and a basic feeling that is difficult to overcome... De ha tovább olvasol meglátod, hogy miért és azt is, hogy start on the road to saying NO.

^{Steps and psychological basics of saying no}

Források: Application of Neuro-Coaching Model in Esfahan Steel Company | Management Strategies and Engineering Sciences

Tips the change associated with saying NO to overcome guilt

• Remind yourself that saying NO is not selfishness, it is self-defence.
• Who respects you, is accept your limits.
• Practising saying NO becomes easier over time.

Why haven't the techniques you've tried worked?

You've probably read articles about it, how to say no. Talán próbáltad is: "Sajnálom, de most nem fér bele", "Köszönöm a felkérést, de most nem tudom vállalni" - ezek a szép, kedves mondatok, amik elméletben tökéletesen működnek. Aztán jött egy valós helyzet, és minden szépen felépített terved összeomolt két másodperc alatt.

You know why? Because saying no is not a communication technique. It is a identity issue.

Amikor egy vezető azt mondja nekem, hogy "nem tud nemet mondani", akkor nem arról van szó, hogy nem ismeri a megfelelő szavakat. Arról van szó, hogy az egész szakmai identitása azon alapul, hogy ő az, aki always solves the problem. He is someone you can count on. He is the one who never lets anyone down.

És most mit mondjak neki? Hogy "csak" mondjon nemet? Ez olyan, mintha azt mondanád neki, hogy "csak" legyen más ember.

The real face of overcommitment

Tamás egy IT cég középvezetője volt, amikor először találkoztunk. 47 éves, két gyerek, húsz év tapasztalat. Hozzám azzal jött, hogy "Retrieved from". De ahogy beszélgettünk, kiderült valami más: Tamás not for nothing did he take on too much (as some people say took on the tasks). Ő has chosen this.

Why? Because when you say no, two things can happen. Either they understand and accept it (the less common), or they don't understand and are disappointed, upset or even angry (the more common). And for Thomas the other person's frustration was more unbearable than his own exhaustion.

This is what most articles don't tell you: the notet saying is difficult because you have to sacrifice something. You have to sacrifice the other person's immediate goodwill or your good judgment. You must sacrifice the feeling that you are the saviour. You must sacrifice the illusion that everyone loves you because you are always there.

And it hurts. It hurts a lot more than you think.

Amikor a vezető nem tud delegálni - és ez nem szégyen, ezt kevesen tudjuk alapból, de tanulható!

I first worked with Eva when CoachLab was approached by a large company to help one of their top performing managers. Eva was brilliant. She had been with the company for 20 years, everyone loved her, her team adored her. And all the while, she was slowly collapsing under the strain.

"De hát én sokkal gyorsabban megcsinálom" - mondta nekem az első ülésünkön. És igaza volt. Ő tényleg gyorsabban megcsinált mindent, mint a csapata. De közben mi történt? A csapata nem tanult meg önállóan dolgozni, mert Éva mindig előtte levette a terheket róluk; Éva maga alá temette önmagát feladatokkal, amiket mások is el tudtak volna végezni; és a cég nem tudott növekedni, mert Éva lett a szűk keresztmetszet.

Amikor rákérdeztem, hogy hogyan delegál, illetve később már azt, hogy miért nem delegál, először azt mondta: "Mert nem bízom meg bennük." De ez nem volt igaz. Ahogy mélyebbre ástunk, kiderült az igazság: Éva azért nem delegált, mert ha delegál, akkor you will need others. And when you need others, you become vulnerable. And if he becomes vulnerable, he may find that he is not as indispensable as he felt.
(It may not even be as popular as it has been in the past.)

This is a cruel truth, but it needs to be said: many leaders cannot delegate because their self-image depends on their ability to they can do anything. Delegation is not only about handing over the task; it is also about admitting it: you are not needed for every little decision.

And it's a huge identity change.

The burnt-out middle manager who solves everyone's problems

István worked for a manufacturing company. Production manager. Responsible for sixty people. And every time someone had a problem, Istvan solved it. Nem küldte el őket, hogy dolgozzák ki maguk; nem kérdezett vissza, hogy "te mit gondolsz?"; nem tanította meg őket a problémamegoldásra. He just did it.

Aztán egy nap István nem jött be dolgozni. Nem hívott senkit, nem írt semmit. Csak... nem jött be. A felesége hívta fel a céget délben, hogy István az ágya szélén ült reggel óta, és nem volt képes megmozdulni. Nem mert belépni az irodába. Fizikálisan nem tudott.

Panic attack? Burnout? Depression? All three. And you know what the first thing he said when we met after two weeks? "De hát most ott vannak nélkülem, és nem tudják, hogy mit csináljanak."

Stephen still wanted to be the problem solver. Even when his own body had given up.

I see this pattern a lot: you say yes to everything until your body says no instead, or your body says no: enough.

And even then we don't understand. Even then we don't learn to say no. We just experience burnout as shame, and then go back and start the same thing all over again.

What does the research say?

An Harvard Business Review 2024 study showed that 68% of middle managers at least 15 hours per week is filled with tasks that, which are not his responsibility, but they could not refuse the invitation. This is 780 hours per year - majdnem egy teljes munkahónap, amit wasted on the tasks of others.

But the problem is not just quantity. Research has also shown that it's the leaders who can't say no, 30% is more likely to show symptoms of burnout, and 40% more likely to change jobs within two years.

[Forrás: Harvard Business Review, Autumn 2024, "The Hidden Cost of Yes: How Middle Managers Burn Out"]

Éééésss... egy video a NEMet mondás blog postomhoz kapcsolódóan (AI!)

Why can't you say NO? (The real reasons)

Most jön a nehéz rész, ahol őszintének kell lennünk egymással. A NEMet mondás problémája soha nem arról szól, hogy "nem tudod a szavakat". It comes from a deeper place. And until we face up to this, no matter how many techniques you try, you will always slip back into the old pattern.

1. The hunger for recognition

Let's face it: it feels good when someone asks you to do something. Azt jelenti, hogy szükség van rád. Azt jelenti, hogy fontosnak tartanak. És minden egyes alkalommal, amikor igent mondasz, egy kis elismerést kapsz cserébe. "Köszönöm, Zsuzsa, mindig számíthatok rád, rád mindig lehet számítani!" - és ez édes. Ez olyan édes, hogy szinte you become dependent on it.

But here's the catch: the recognition you get is always less than you deserve. Because if you always say yes, then no longer recognition, but expectation. "Hát persze, hogy Zsuzsa megcsinálja, ő mindig megcsinálja" - and suddenly they don't thank you because natural.

2. Fear of conflict

For many people, saying no equals conflict. And I understand that. Because when you say no, sometimes there really is tension. The other person might be disappointed, they might be upset. And if you're the type of person who hates conflict, you're more likely to overcommit than face it.

But I have some bad news: conflict is coming anyway. If you don't say no now, you'll explode later when you can't take it anymore. And that conflict will be much worse than if you had said no now, calmly, respectfully, but firmly.

3. The illusion of indispensability

Ez a legnehezebb. Sok ember azért nem mond nemet, mert azon múlik az énképük, hogy "nélkülözhetetlenek". Ha mindig igent mondanak, akkor mindig szükség van rájuk. És ha mindig szükség van rájuk, akkor biztonságban érzik magukat.

But it's a trap. Because indispensability does not equal security. In fact, it's quite the opposite: if you're the only one who can do things, then you can't rest, you can't go on holiday, you can't be sick. You are your own jailer.

A NEMet mondás művészete - amit eddig senki nem mondott el neked

Most jön az a pont, ahol a legtöbb cikk elkezdi sorolni a technikákat. "Mondd ezt... használd ezt a formulát... légy asszertív..." És ezek nem rosszak. De tudod, mi a probléma velük? Hogy assume that you are ready to say no. But the reality is that most people are not ready for this.

Not because they are weak. But because a lifetime of learning that saying yes = good person and saying no = selfish person. And this cannot be solved in a two-hour self-awareness workshop.

Why do you need to coach, for workplace NEMs executive, business coach, in private life, outside work life coach?

Hadd meséljek el valamit, amit talán nem szeretnél hallani, de muszáj. Amikor egy vezető eljön hozzánk a CoachLab-hez, és azt mondja: "Meg szeretném tanulni, hogyan mondjak NEMet", akkor az első néhány ülésünk nem is a nemet mondásról szól. Arról szól, hogy feltárjuk, what's in the background.

Because do you know the difference between trying to learn it on your own and with a coach? It's that no one wants to face their own inner drive alone. This is painful. It is uncomfortable. És amikor magad vagy, mindig könnyebb azt mondani: "Well, next time I'll say NO" - és tovább görgetni a telefonodat, vagy visszaállni a mókuskerékbe és csinálni ugyanazt, ugyanúgy és önmagad számára is egyre nyomasztóbb és demotiválóbb IGENekkel tarkítva.

A coach asks uncomfortable questions. A business executive coach doesn't let you run away from the answer. A coach sees patterns you can't see because you live in them.

The four (4) levels: where are you now?

Készítettünk egy táblázatot, hogy lásd, melyik szinten vagy most. Ez nem arról szól, hogy értékeljelek - hanem arról, hogy tisztán lásd, hol tartasz.

Look at this table and be honest with yourself: what level are you at?

If not on the fourth, what is stopping you from achieving it?

Five (5) situations when you said YES but should have said NO

Let's look at five specific situations that might be familiar to you. And don't just read them, think about them: how would you have reacted?

1. A főnök pénteken délután küldi a "sürgős" feladatot

The situation: Pénteken délután 16:45-kor jön az email vagy az üzenet: "Tudom, hogy hétvége van, de ez nagyon fontos. Meg tudod csinálni hétfőre?"

What you say: "Persze, megcsinálom."

What you should say: "Értem, hogy fontos, de a hétvégémre már más programot terveztem. Tudnánk erről hétfőn reggel beszélni, hogy megnézzük a határidőket?"

Why don't you say so? Because you are afraid that if you say no, they will think you are not committed. But you know what the truth is? If you work every weekend, it's not commitment, it's exploitation. And you allow it yourself!!!

2. A kolléga "kis szívességet" kér

The situation: Egy kolléga odajön hozzád: "Hallod, tudnál nekem ebben segíteni? Ez neked könnyű lenne, nekem meg órákba telne."

What you say: "Jó, oké, küld át, megnézem."

What you should say: "Sajnálom, de most a saját projektjeimre kell koncentrálnom. De tudok ajánlani egy jó tutorialt, vagy esetleg valaki mást a csapatból?"

Why don't you say so? Mert nem akarsz "nehéz" lenni, rossz fényben feltűnni. De közben elfelejted, hogy your time is valuable too, and even more so! Just because you can do it faster doesn't make it your responsibility.

3. Your team member comes to you again and again for a solution

The situation: Bejön hozzád egy csapattag: "Van egy probléma, nem tudom, hogyan oldjam meg, segítesz?"

What you say: "Persze, mutasd, én megcsinálom."

What you should say: "Mielőtt beleugrunk, mondd el, te mit próbáltál már? Mi a te ötleted, hogy hogyan lehetne megoldani?"

Why don't you say so? Because is faster to do than to teach. But what are you doing in the meantime? You create a dependent situation, where they never learn to work independentlyand you lose all your time.

4. A családtag "csak egy aprósággal" fordulna hozzád

The situation: Felhív az anyukád/testvéred/rokonod: "Tudnál segíteni holnap, csak egy kicsi időbe telik?"

What you say: "Igen, persze."

What you should say: "Szívesen segítenék, de holnap sajnos nem tudok. Tudunk egyeztetni egy másik napot, ami mindkettőnknek jó?"

Why don't you say so? Because you feel you're a bad person if you say no to your family, don't you? Wrong! You're a bad person you sacrifice your own health to be seen as a good person. A family is not eligible to ensure that each time leap over your boundaries.

5. Te vagy az, aki "mindig megszervezi" a dolgokat

The situation: Munkahelyen, baráti körben, családban - te vagy az, aki megszervezi a programokat, emlékszik a születésnapokra, összefogja az embereket.

What you say: (Nothing, you just do it.)

What you should say: "Sajnálom, de most nem tudok mindennel foglalkozni. Ki tudná átvállalni ezt most?"

Why don't you say so? Because if you don't do it, no one else will. And that can be true. But you know what the other truth is? If you always do it. they will never learn. You keep them dependent; they are not dependent on you, you are and you become your own prisoner.

A gyakorlati lépések - de figyelem!

Most következnének a "praktikus tippek", ugye? Hogy "mondd ezt", "használd ezt a technikát", "légy határozott, de kedves".
And I could give you a list that goes like this:

• First say something nice
• Then clarify why you can't do it
• Offer an alternative
• Close it down so you understand the situation

But you know what the problem is? This will not work. Not because the techniques are bad; but because behind the techniques we don't have that internal shiftwithout which it will remain empty text.

When Gábor, Managing Director of a large financial institution first próbálta használni ezeket a formulákat, azt mondta: "Úgy érzem magam, mint egy robot. Tudom, mit kellene mondani, de közben halálra izzadok, és egyértelműen látszik rajtam, hogy hazudok."

Because saying no is not a communication technique. It is a external expression of internal situation. If you're not OK inside by saying that NOyou say, even with the best words you'll sound like you're making excuses.

What can you do now?

Ha most azon gondolkodsz, hogy "oké, de what do I do now?", akkor hadd mondjak valamit, ami may help. Here are three things you can do right NOW:

1. Vegyél egy mély levegőt, és ismerd be magadnak: "Nem tudom ezt egyedül megoldani."

This is not a weakness. It is clarity. If you have tried and failed, it does not mean that you are incompetent; it means that you are on this topic we need someone to lead.

2. Describe three situations in the past week when you said yes but knew you should have said NO.

Don't analyse it now. Just write it down. Because as long as it's a vague feeling inside you, it's easy to dismiss. But if you write it down, it will be concrete. And concrete is something you can work with.

3. Tedd fel magadnak a kérdést: "Mit veszítek, ha így folytatom?"

Ne azt kérdezd, hogy "mi lenne, ha nemet mondanék" - mert az félelmet kelt. Hanem azt, hogy what is the cost of not changing. Where will I be in five years? How will my health be? My relationships? My career? If you can see this clearly, you no longer need motivation, just common sense.

Amikor már késő - a kiégés küszöbén...

András its executive coaching programme tavaly kezdtük el. Amikor első alkalommal találkoztunk, a beszélgetés alig kezdődött el, már az első tíz perc után sírva fakadt. Nem volt semmi drámai. Csak megkérdeztem tőle: "Mikor volt utoljára olyan napod, amikor jól aludtál és frissen ébredtél?"

He could not answer. Because he did not remember.

András was the IT manager of a telecommunications company. A brilliant professional, a wonderful person. And he went broke. By the time he came to us, he had been taking regular sleeping pills for 18 months, otherwise he couldn't sleep. He worked constantly after hours, with his laptop on at weekends. His wife stopped telling him about it because it turned into a fight every time.

"De hát mit csináljak?" - kérdezte tőlem. "Ha nem én csinálom meg, akkor nem lesz kész. És ha nem lesz kész, akkor én vagyok a felelős. Nem választhatok."

Yes, you can choose. But first you have to learn to see that you have choices.

The four (4) stages of burnout

A recent analysis by Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management found that executive burnout occurs in four stages, and in each stage the lack of saying NO is in the background.

1. Over-commitment stage: You think you can do it all. You take on tasks with energy, you feel comfortable when they ask for your help.

2. Stress stage: You start to feel the pressure, but yet you deny. "Csak fáradt vagyok", "csak sok a munka most". Állandóan gondolkodsz a munkán, rossz az alvásminőséged.

3. Decline stage: You will feel cynical, tired, have difficulty concentrating. You neglect yourself, your relationships. De továbbra is dolgozol, mert "ezt kell".

4. Crisis phase: Panic attacks, physical symptoms, inability to go to work. At that point it's too late to do anything on your own; you won't get out without help.

[Forrás: Kellogg Insight, 2024 January, "The Burnout Cascade: How Leaders Fall Apart One Yes at a Time"]

András was on the verge of the third and fourth stage. And you know what the saddest part of it all was? That he could be found at. He knew he was going to burn out. He knew he was taking on too much. And yet he couldn't change. Because he was alone in it.

A CoachLab megközelítés - miért más?

I know you've read a lot so far coaching, self-development, and you may be sceptical. "Aha, még egy coaching cég, aki azt mondja, hogy ők a megoldás." Rendben. De hadd mondjak el valamit, ami talán segít megérteni, hogy hogyan és why we work differently.

Amikor valaki azt mondja nekünk, hogy "meg akarom tanulni, hogyan mondjak NEMet", akkor nem azt csináljuk, hogy adunk neki egy listát tippekkel, majd elköszönünk. Mert ez nem működik. You know that, or you wouldn't be here.

What we do is identity work. Because saying no is not a communication problem, it shows that how you think about yourself, what do you think about your own values, and how much you are willing to endure short-term discomfort for your long-term well-being and emotional well-being and often the kiégés miatt a fizikai egészségedért is illetve a kapcsolataidért. Vagyis nem kicsi a tét, ezt elhiheted... vagy talán már tudod is...!

What does a coaching process look like at CoachLab?

Nézzük meg Zsófia esetét. Zsófi egy multinál dolgozott HR igazgatóként. Amikor hozzánk jött, az volt az első mondata: "Tudom, hogy nemet kellene mondanom, de egyszerűen nem megy."

Az első ülésünkön nem arról beszéltünk, hogy hogyan kell nemet mondani. Arról beszéltünk, hogy Zsófi miért gondolja, hogy neki mindig ott kell lennie. Kiderült, hogy amikor kisgyerek volt, az anyukája mindig azt mondta neki: "Te vagy a legidősebb, rád számítok." És Zsófi megtanulta, hogy his value comes from the extent to which he can be counted on.

In the second session we talked about what Zsófi loses when she says yes to everything. Not what the other person gains, but what he loses. És amikor leírta, hogy mennyi együttlétet időt veszített el a lánya első éveiből, mert mindig "fontos" munkadolgai voltak, valami megrepedt benne.

At the third meeting I did not have to convince him that he should say NO. We were talking about how. But this time we were not learning techniques; we were talking about how Zsófi feels when she imagines that says NOT. And these feelings we have processed.

After the coaching process, five months later, Zsófi called me again. Not because there was a problem, but to tell me: promoted. Why? Because when learnt to say no to unnecessary things, you finally had time to make the really important focus on things. And it showed. No is why he became a better leaderbecause he did more, but because, because less is better.

What does coaching give you that you cannot achieve alone?

Hadd legyek őszinte veled. Lehet, hogy most azt gondolod: "Oké, szép történetek, de én erős vagyok, én ezt meg tudom oldani egyedül." És lehet, hogy igazad van. Lehet, hogy te vagy az a ritka ember, aki képes önmagát átalakítani külső segítség nélkül.

But what if it doesn't? What if you're going to live like this for another five years, more and more exhausted, with less and less sleep and energy, more and more stress, frustration and guilt? Is it worth the risk?

A coaching not because you are weak. A coaching it works because, because someone sees what you can't see. Someone asks you uncomfortable questions that you wouldn't ask yourself. Someone doesn't let you run away from the real problem.

CoachLab experience is that people who learn to set boundaries through coaching, achieve in 3-4 months on average what they could not achieve in 2-3 years alone. And not because magic happens in coaching sessions; but because someone to accompany them on a journey they would never have made alone.

The four pillars of saying NO

Coaching in our processes in four key areas we work, amikor a nemet mondásról van szó. És figyeld meg: egyik sem arról szól, hogy "mit mondj". Mind arról szól, hogy off or inside.

1. Önismeret: What is your real value?

Ezt kérdezem minden ügyfelemtől: "Ha minden feladatodat elveszítenéd holnaptól, ki lennél akkor?" És tudod, mi a leggyakoribb válasz? The Silence. Because many of us define ourselves by what we do, not who we are.

When you learn that your value does not depend on how much you commit, then saying NO is no longer a threat. It is self-defence.

2. Priorities: What really matters?

There's an exercise I use a lot. I ask the client to describe the three most important things in your life. Family, career, health, whatever. Then I'll ask you to write down what you've spent your time on in the past week. And you know what you find out? That the three most important things are usually not on the list.

Why? Because we cannot say NO to things that seem urgent but not important. And in the meantime the really important things are waiting. And they are. And they wait.

3. Communication: How do you say what's inside you?

Okay, now comes the part where we do talk about communication. But not like the other articles. Because communication is not a matter of words; it's a matter of credibility question.

Do you know how people feel when you say no, but you're making excuses, explaining yourself, and you look like you're in agony? They feel like you are not convinced by what you say. And then you will be questioned. And then you'll back down.

But if you are calm inside by saying no, the other person will be calm too. Most conflicts do not arise from saying NO, but from you are unsure.

4. Consistency: How do you maintain your boundaries?

This is the most difficult. Because you can say NO once, but if you keep saying NO, no one will take you seriously. Maintaining boundaries is a constant exercise.

Emlékeztek Mártára, akivel a cikk elején kezdtük? Hat hónappal a coaching folyamat után újra felhívta a főnöke pénteken délután. Ugyanaz a kérés: "Sürgős, meg tudod csinálni holnapra/hétfőre?"

És Márta ezt válaszolta: "Sajnálom, de a hétvégémre családi programot terveztem. Hétfőn reggel szívesen beszélünk róla, hogy hogyan tudjuk megoldani."

Was your boss happy about that? Not very much. Did he approve? Eventually, yes. Did it ruin Martha's career? No. In fact, four months later she was promoted (to the same level as her former boss) because she had learned draw boundaries and become more efficient as a result.

When saying NO changes your life

So, towards the end, I would like to end with an instructive but touching story, which for me shows everything about why it is worth doing this and going down this path.

Paul was the owner of a construction company. When we first met, ! 20 hours ! (Can you imagine? I found it hard to believe at first). He didn't work so much because he had to, but because couldn't say no to anyone. Not for your customers, not for your workers, not for your family.

One day he was in his car, on his way home from a construction site, when he stopped on the side of the road. Not because there was anything wrong with the car. It was because he realized: can't remember the last time he was happy.

Amikor elkezdte a coaching folyamatot, az első három ülés szörnyű volt. Folyton arról beszélt, hogy "de hát nem tehetek mást". És mindig megtalálta az okot, a kifogést, hogy miért nem működne nála a nemet mondás. "Nálam más a helyzet", "Az én iparágamban ez nem megy", "Nem érted, nálunk ez így szokás"...

De aztán történt valami. A negyedik ülésen megkérdeztem tőle: "Pál, te miért építkezel, miért foglalkozol építőiparral?" És ő azt válaszolta: "Mert szeretek építeni. Szeretek valamit a semmiből megcsinálni."

"És most építesz?" - kérdeztem.

Csend. Hosszú csend. Aztán: "Nem. Adminisztrálok, tűzoltok, magyarázkodok. De nem építek."

This was the turning point. When Paul realised that because he couldn't say NO, he had lost what he had started out to do, something in him changed. I did not convince him. He saw it for himself.

A year later, Paul was working 501TP3K less, his company was 301TP3K more profitable, and when we met for coffee, he told me so:

"Tudod, mi a legjobb? Hogy most már esténként otthon vagyok, amikor a lányom lefekszik. És tegnap azt kérdezte tőlem: Apa, te most már mindig itt leszel?"

And that's why we do it!

Gyakorlati táblázat: A "Nem" anatómiája

Most mutatok neked valamit, ami segíthet látni, hogy a NEMet mondásnak különböző "súlycsoportjai" vannak. Nem minden NEMnek kell ugyanúgy kinéznie.

What happens if you still can't change?

Most szeretnék beszélni valamiről, ami kényelmetlen, de fontos. Mi történik, ha elolvasod ezt a cikket, bólogatál, hogy "igen, ez rám igaz", aztán mégsem csinálsz semmit?

I'm not asking to scare you. I'm asking to. be aware of your choices. Because it is also a choice.

The five years from now scenario

Imagine yourself five years from now. Everything goes on as it is now. Every day you wake up tired, hunched over under the weight of work and expectations. You come home late every night, exhausted, and you know that tomorrow will be the same.

Mi lesz akkor az egészségeddel? A családoddal?... A Stanford Medicine egy 2023-as kutatása kimutatta, hogy azok az emberek, akik krónikus módon túlvállalnak és nem tudnak NEMet mondani, náluk three times more likely to develop cardiovascular problems, are twice as likely to suffer from chronic anxiety or depression.

[Forrás: Stanford Medicine, Health Outcomes Research, September 2023, "Chronic Overcommitment and Long-term Health Implications"]

What about your relationships? Your children? Your partner? How much time will you lose from moments that you can never, ever, ever make up for and get back?

And your career? Because yes, you may think that the more you work, the better you get. But the reality is that the ones who burn out are the ones they do not get ahead. They stay stagnant because they have no energy for new things, no creativity, no vision. They just do the drudgery.

The reverse scenario

But imagine the opposite. Imagine that you are deciding now. Not tomorrow, not next week. Now.

You pick up the phone, write an email and start the coaching process with us or someone else. Six months later, you're not the same person. You've learned what's really important to you. You have learned how to say NO without things falling apart around you. You have learned that your time is as valuable as other people's time.

So what changes?

All.

Not every day will be perfect. But it doesn't have to be. Because you won't have that overwhelming feeling of being responsible for everything. No more panic when the phone rings. There won't be the waking up at night, staring at the ceiling and lying awake depressed wondering what tomorrow will bring.

Instead, there will be energy. Creativity. Joy. And best of all. your presence and your presence! You will be present in your own life. You will not just be a robot, a function to be used, but a human being who lives.

Next steps - what can you do now?

OK, we've come to the point where you have to decide. Will you read another article tomorrow about the same thing, but in different words? Or are you going to take the first step right now?

If you want to act now:

Step 1: Contact us

You don't have to commit immediately to a month-long or year-long programme. Just one conversation. An honest conversation about where you are now and how we can help.

Write us your info@coachlab.hu or fill in the form by clicking on the button below or by writing to On the CoachLab website, és írj annyit: "A nemet mondásról szeretnék beszélni." Ennyi. Nem kell hosszú esszét írni.

Step 2: A short free online consultation

The first interview is free. Not because we're good-hearted (although we are), but because so we can both see if it makes sense for us to work together. Not every person, not every situation, suits every coach. And that's okay.

Step 3: If it fits, we start

If we feel we can help, and you feel this is the path you want to take, we'll put together a tailor-made programme. It can be executive coaching if you are in a leadership position, it can be career coaching, if you struggle with workplace dynamics, or even life coaching, if you have trouble drawing your boundaries in general.

You can find our prices on the CoachLab.hu/coaching-arak but we'll talk through what suits your situation at the first meeting anyway.

If you're not ready:

And if you're not ready now? That's okay too. Really. But then do one more thing:

- Mentsd el ezt a cikket. Hogy két hónap múlva, amikor megint azon kapod magad, hogy az ágyadra zuhansz este 11-kor, totálisan kimerülve, és azon gondolkozol, hogy "így nem mehet tovább", akkor visszaolvashasd.

- Beszélj valakivel. A pároddal, egy baráttal, egy családtaggal. Mutasd meg ezt a cikket, és kérdezd meg: "Te mit látsz? Túlvállalok?" És légy kész hallgatni a választ, még ha fáj is.

- Írd le a következő három nemet. Az elkövetkező két hétben lesz három helyzet, amikor nemet kell mondanod, de tudod, hogy nem fogod megtenni. Írd le őket előre. Hogy amikor eljön a pillanat, tudatában legyél: "Most ez történik. Most megint igent fogok mondani, pedig nemet kellene."

Maybe that will be enough to make a change. Maybe not. But at least you'll see the pattern.

Concluding thoughts

There's a quote Simon Sinek said in a TED talk that always comes to mind when I talk about saying NO:

"Azok az emberek, akik mindig igent mondanak, végül olyan életet élnek, ami másoknak a tökéletes élete. De soha nem az övék."

This is the truth I want you to take with you. Saying no is not about being selfish. It's about seeing yourself as valuable enough to live your own life, not to live up to the expectations of others.

And if there's one thing I've learned from 25 years of leadership experience and more than a decade of coaching, it's that very few people can do it alone. Not because they are weak. It's because most people need someone to see the blind spots they can't see. Who asks the questions they don't ask themselves. To guide them along the path they dare not walk alone.

We are proud of our Coach!

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At CoachLab, we don't work to tell you what to do. We work to be there for you while you you you'll know what to do. And that's the difference.

If you feel it's time to not only read about change, but to start, contact us now. A conversation. That's all. Then we'll see what the next step is.

Because the only thing that will definitely not work is if you carry on as you are.
And you know it.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Why is it so hard to say NO, even when I know I should?

Gender is not a matter of communication, but of identity. Many people define themselves as the ones who "solve", "help", "are there". When you say no, you feel you are giving up what makes you valuable. This is a deep-rooted belief that cannot be changed by simple techniques - hence the need for coaching to support identity-level change.

How long does it take to learn to say no with coaching?

Most of our clients achieve a visible change in 3-6 months. But it's important to understand: it's not about being "done" after six months. Saying no is an ongoing exercise, because it's about turning a strong habit into a new habit, but during coaching you learn the internal skills that you can then apply yourself. The start of change is usually noticeable after the first 4-6 sessions.

Won't my career be ruined if I say no to my boss?

This is the most common fear, but the reality is that the opposite is true. Leaders who learn to set firm but respectful boundaries are more likely to move forward and gain more respect in their role as an actuary, both from their colleagues and from their managers and leaders. Why? Because they can prioritise, work more efficiently and don't burn out. Good bosses respect people who know what they have the capacity to do. And bad bosses would take advantage of you if you let them - so it's better to draw the line now!

What's the difference between trying to learn to say NO on my own, and Coach helping me?

From experience, what seems to happen when you go it alone is that you read techniques, learn techniques in training, try to apply them, and then when they don't work (because the internal barriers are still there), you give up. The coach sees the internal patterns and resistances that make the techniques not work. He asks uncomfortable questions, doesn't let you run away from the real problem, and to guide you along the path you would never walk alone.

How can I decide whether I need executive coaching, business coaching, organisational development or life coaching?

If the problem of saying no is primarily a apply at your workplace - management decisions, delegation, team management - then the executive coaching business coaching or organisational development is the right one.
If it is a more general life management issue, family or friends, and you have trouble setting boundaries outside work, then the life coaching may be the better choice. But at the first consultation, we'll discuss which path suits you better.