The loneliness of leadership: the weight of responsibility
"Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown" - wrote Shakespeare in Henry IV. While the world has largely moved beyond the wearing of crowns, the unease the playwright speaks of is as true today as it was in the days of kings and queens. Many leaders are surprised and uncertain by the struggle with privacy.
You're not alone in your leadership loneliness is notoriously one of the greatest struggles of American presidents. Even the irascible President Andrew Jackson complained of loneliness within four months of taking office.
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* Harvard Business Review In 2012, it reported that more than half of CEOs felt lonely in their role, and the majority of these found that this had negatively affected their performance.
Today, if you type the phrase "executive loneliness" into Google, you get over 500,000 results, more than 100,000 from Bing searches... It seems none of us are alone in our loneliness.
Loneliness is not the same as being alone It is often surprising to executives that those who are surrounded by the most people (presidents, CEOs, business leaders) often struggle with privacy. Being surrounded by others does not eliminate the feeling of loneliness.
MIT professor Sherry Turkle's book Alone Together* has put forward a new hypothesis: despite being more connected than ever, many of us are struggling with privacy more than ever before. Even if the assumption is debatable, few can argue that the instant-access nature of technology has eradicated loneliness.
Drivers face a unique risk of loneliness. There are fewer people who understand the unique challenges of leading an organisation. And those who might understand this unique burden are often so preoccupied with their own leadership journey that they cannot offer a comprehensive view.
Let us acknowledge loneliness! Trying to overcome managerial loneliness is like deciding not to pay your bills. You can pretend everything is fine for a while, but it always catches up with you sooner or later.
Both from my work with leaders who struggle with privacy and from my own frequent experience of loneliness, I know that loneliness is perceived quite badly.
However, I also know that this is not something that necessarily needs to be remedied. A sense of loneliness in leadership is indicative of at least three things:
- The ability to acknowledge and acknowledge your feelings.
- You don't (and shouldn't) develop close friendships with every colleague or subordinate.
- We recognise that we are human.
The above three are all positive attributes of excellent leadership, they do not need to be "fixed". Occasional loneliness is inherent to leadership, especially as influence grows.
Every few months I have a 2-3 day period of solitude. I've learned to admit it to myself and talk about it with a friend, coach or supervisor who isn't trying to fix me. Just acknowledging it gives me a new perspective, even if I continue to struggle at times.
Find growth in solitude! Although loneliness brings struggles and sadness, it can also open the door to a new idea, opportunity or change. If we dare to turn inward when loneliness hits, wonderful works can emerge from this time.
In his book Transitions*, William Bridges points out that loneliness is particularly challenging in times of transition (which is much broader than just job changes). He writes:
"One of the difficulties of transition in the modern world is that we have lost the value of that empty space in continuity. For us, 'emptiness' is merely a symbol of absence. So when important things like relationships, purpose and reality are missing, we try to find ways to fill in those missing elements as quickly as possible." (133.o.)
We urge leaders not to try to fill the void, but to discover what they can learn from it. Time set aside for reflection, writing, reading can help you gain a perspective that would never open up in the boardroom.
When I saw this creative 4-minute video a few years ago, it reminded me of the value of being alone. Despite its personal nature, it challenges our society's assumptions that we need the presence of others in every moment.
Find companions who understand your situation!
Like leaders, people often try to "fix" loneliness by going to people who make them forget it. While this works temporarily, it often leaves behind the deeper causes of loneliness, leading to a long-term experience of "together alone" - just as in Turkle's book.
Rather than diving into groups of people, it's better to develop business and personal relationships with others who can join us in the good times and encourage introspection during loneliness or other leadership challenges. Beware of those who want to "fix" us - they are probably just uncomfortable with our sense of discomfort.
One of the best proactive ways to do this is to set up a mastermind group or mentoring relationship. I participate in a weekly business mastermind, which keeps me and the other participants grounded. The key to success in these is to invest in this relationship before you really need it.
Executive loneliness: how can business leaders overcome this challenge?
Executive coaching - The solution to executive loneliness?
Loneliness is one of the biggest challenges for presidents and top executives.
According to the Harvard Business Review, half of all business leaders struggle with this problem, which also affects their performance.
But what causes the loneliness of leaders?
The downside of power is that certain information is only collected by the driver. This inevitably isolates him from the team. He also has to make personal, delicate decisions, which further increases the distance. Sherry Turkle theorises that increased digital connections can also paradoxically increase feelings of loneliness.
What to do if you feel lonely as a leader?
First, acknowledge and appreciate the feeling itself, not try to "fix" it. It is instructive to stop, to go deeper, to step back from time to time. Solitude can often be a source of creative energy!
Case studies show:
Leadership development and executive coaching or executive coaching can be an effective way to overcome executive loneliness. Mastermind groups, mentoring relationships can create a supportive environment that counteracts isolation.
The CoachLab executive coachAs a management consultant and advisor, I often face this challenge with my clients. With coaching we will explore the roots and find together their personal, workable solutions to dealing with loneliness. Successful leaders don't avoid the problem, but actively tackle it.
I myself have experienced leadership isolation many times in my career. I have also learned to accept and appreciate these periods, to build supportive relationships. I now know how to use loneliness as a positive force.
Loneliness in leadership is sometimes an unavoidable companion. The most important thing is not to suffer from it, but even coach to manage it consciously and get it on our side. Then our leading progress will not be lonely.
We offer a wide range of coaching and mentoring programmes for individualised leadership development. Contact us if you want to actively fight against leadership challenges and loneliness!
How have you dealt with loneliness? What lessons have you learned from dealing with loneliness? Join the conversation. Drop us a message or comment on our article below.
Frequently asked questions about executive privacy
Why do so many managers feel lonely?
Managers are often placed in an internal, isolated position within the organisation. They have access to information that they cannot share with anyone else, and they also have to make many personal, sensitive decisions on their own. This inevitably leads to a lonely experience.
What are the symptoms of loneliness in leadership?
The most common symptoms, in addition to feelings of loneliness, are a constant sense of isolation and withdrawal, difficulties in forming deep, personal relationships with colleagues, and constant questioning of their decisions by others.
Can the feeling of loneliness be harmful for the leader?
Loneliness in leadership is not in itself necessarily harmful or to be avoided. However, if prolonged and not managed properly, it can have a negative impact on confidence, decision-making and performance in the long term.
How can loneliness be prevented or treated?
The most important thing is to consciously acknowledge loneliness and not to suppress it. It is also vital to develop supportive relationships, mentoring, mastermind groups. These can provide a counterweight. Executive coaching can also be effective in helping to manage the situation consciously.
Can loneliness have a positive role for a leader?
Yes, solitude can be an interesting creative resource if used properly. Transitions and retreats can be an opportunity for reflection, for finding new perspectives, which the hustle and bustle of everyday life may not offer. It is worth taking advantage of this too.
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