Are you a friend or a boss? Redefining boundaries
Introduction
„Friend or boss?” - few questions are more pressing when you become a newly appointed leader.
Peter was 28 when he was promoted to team manager. He had been working with the team for three years: they went out for lunch together, complained to the bosses at Friday beer runs together.
It's Monday morning, his first meeting as a leader.
Awkward silence instead of the usual jokes. Réka, with whom he has shared everything, avoids his gaze. Gábor, her best friend, arrives late - as always, but now Peter should be the one to tell her.
„We are friends, I will not change,” he told himself on Friday.
By Monday, he knew: everything had changed, even if he didn't want it to.
Does this sound familiar?
If you have recently been promoted and you are managing your former colleagues, this article is for you. I will show you a coaching approach, how to redefine boundaries, to be a credible, balanced leader - while still being yourself.
The big changeover: what really changes?
Many young leaders say:
„Why should anything változnia? I am the same person.”
True - and yet false.
With your role in the relationship dynamics, a Responsibility, and the expectations are also transformed.
Coaching question for yourself:
What expectations did you have of your former boss that you did not expect/expect from your colleagues?
The answer is likely to show that the role requires a different operation.
What changes in practice?
- Responsibility: you're no longer only responsible for your own work, but also for the performance of the team.
Sometimes you have to make decisions that not everyone likes. - Information flow: you get confidential information - and you can't share everything. It's not secrecy. professionalism.
- Emotional dynamics: your old friend's complaint may now be about you. This requires a new maturity.
Case study - Anna's story
Anna became a marketing specialist and team leader of a team of five. Her best friend from work, Zsófi, also worked in the team. In the first months, everything stayed the same - lunches, intimate conversations, gossip about leadership.
Then came the first performance review. Zsófi performed less well. Anna was forced to give serious feedback - Zsófi saw this as a betrayal.
The coaching process revealed: the problem was not the evaluation, but the lack of clarity of the boundaries. No one has said what has changed.
The coaching tool: redefining boundaries
Borders are not walls.
The borders safe frameworks, that protect both parties - and the relationship.
The 3 circle model
Imagine three concentric circles with you in the centre:
- Inner Circle - Confidential Leadership Space
Here's the strategic, personnel or sensitive information you can't share. - Middle circle - Professional contacts
Work-related communication, goals, feedback, expectations.
This is the theatre of leadership. - Outer circle - Personal connection
Friendship, shared hobbies, human conversations.
They don't disappear - they just come within conscious limits.
Coaching exercise - fill it in yourself
Name: ___________
1️⃣ What was our relationship like before the appointment?
2️⃣ What would I like to keep from this?
3️⃣ What needs to change?
4️⃣ What new boundaries do I need to set?
5️⃣ How do I communicate this?
Example:
„Gábor, we need to talk about the fact that my role has changed. I'm still your friend, but there are situations where I'm the boss. It's not about us, it's about staying professional.”
The difficult conversation: communicating about the new framework
The biggest mistake you can make young leaders they commit: they don't talk about it.
They think that order will take care of itself.
It won't.
An clarifying conversation sample that you can use with any of your former colleagues:
- Go ahead, talk about it:
„I want us to talk honestly about what has changed between us since I became leader.” - Tell us how you feel:
„It's a strange transition for me too. You are important to me, I want to make it work.” - Clarify the situation:
„There will be moments when I have to make a decision as a leader. Other times I will be there as a friend.” - Ask for feedback:
„If you feel I'm being distant or unfair, please tell me.” - Close with confidence:
„I appreciate you being part of the team and I want this to work well for both of us.”
Question:
What are you afraid of in this conversation?
What is the worst that can happen?
It often turns out that fear is greater than reality.
Common pitfalls and how to avoid them
1. Overcompensation: „I have to prove I'm tough”
Many drivers will be too strict to avoid the appearance of partiality.
Solution: Don't be tough, be consistent.
2. Excessive distance: „I can't be friendly anymore”
Distance does not equal professionalism.
Solution: You can stay human and available while maintaining boundaries.
3. Preferential treatment: „I don't want you to be angry with me”
Indulging your friends is unfair in the eyes of others.
Solution: Equal standards, transparency, self-reflection.
4. The information-sharing dilemma: I don't want to leave him „in the dark”
Telling things in advance that others don't know can lead to a loss of trust.
Solution: Decide what you can share with everyone and what stays in the leadership circle.
Integrating identity - who am I now?
Many new leaders experience internal conflict:
„Friend-me” vs. „Boss-me”.
In fact you are not two people.
Only in more roles, with more responsibilities.
Reflective practice:
When you feel like the most authentic leader, what characterises you?
Write down 5-7 words. For example: honest, open, respectful, humorous, consistent.
Which one of these does not fit in a friendship?
Probably neither.
It's not that you become a different person - it's that in other situations, a different side of you comes to the fore.
Maintaining long-term balance
Redefining boundaries is not a conversation - it is a process.
3-6-12 months of self-reflection:
- Month 3: Where, how and when do I feel comfortable as a leader?
- Month 6: Which relationships work well and which don't?
- 12 months: what have I learned, what have I let go?
And if a friendship does not survive?
It can hurt - but sometimes it's part of growth.
Question:
Was a relationship that could not sustain your growth really on a solid foundation?
Most friendships that you consciously manage end up becomes deeper - because it is put on a clearer, more honest footing.
Story: the case of Mark and Dani
Mark is a 30-year-old developer who has been appointed to lead the backend team.
His best friend Dani was also on the team.
When Dani's performance started to deteriorate, Mark kept quiet for months - he was afraid of losing the friendship.
Finally his boss said to him, „This is your responsibility.”
The conversation turned heated.
Dani: „Really you too? I thought we were friends.”
Mark: „Because of the team...”
Dani: „The team or me? Who am I to you now?”
That was the low point.
Coachingwe worked on it, and Mark finally started again:
„I messed up. I thought we didn't need to say what was changing. But we should have.
I want us to remain friends, but there are situations when I have to make decisions as a leader.
Can you help me find out how to do this right?”
It wasn't perfect - but six months later Dani said:
„I respect you more now than when you were just my friend.”
Summary and next steps
Managing former colleagues is not easy, but possible to be credible.
The key:
- Conscious boundaries
- Honest communication
- Self-reflection and courage
„Borders are not walls - they are frameworks that make the relationship safe.”
Are you ready to transform your leadership relationships?
A former colleagues becoming bosses it's not easy, but you don't have to go it alone.
Coaching programmes:
We develop a personalised strategy for your situation
Practise difficult conversations in a safe space
We build your confidence to become a credible, confident leader
The CoachLab team is waiting: Book a free 10-minute online consultation
Related reading, resources:
Sources:
- Harvard Business Review - What to Do When Your Peer Becomes Your Boss
- Center for Creative Leadership - Boundary-Spanning Leadership
- Brené Brown - Dare to Lead
Are you affected by this situation?
Write in a comment or by sending an email to, what you have experienced - let's talk about it openly.
Questions and answers
How can I maintain friendship if I have to make decisions as a leader over the other?
The key to transparency and honest communication. There's no need to distance yourself, but it's important to make it clear that in the workplace you make decisions as a leader, not as a friend.
Friendships can remain healthy if both parties respect their work roles and keep personal relationships separate.
What's the biggest mistake young leaders make when managing their former colleagues?
One of the most common mistakes in over-adaptation - when the leader wants to keep the old atmosphere and is afraid to take on the new role.
The other extreme is when you suddenly become a „hard boss” to be taken seriously.
The solution: consistent but human leadership - you don't have to prove it, just be credibly present.
How can I set boundaries without appearing cold?
Borders are not about distance, but about security and predictability.
Explain why they are needed („I want everyone to be treated equally”) and communicate with empathy.
If the other person senses that your intentions are pure, it is not coldness, but for maturity will make a living.
What should I do if my boyfriend is offended because, as a leader, I don't share everything with him like I used to?
This is a natural reaction. It is important that don't defend, explain:
„There are things I can't share now as a leader - not because I don't trust you, but because it's part of my role.”
Over time, if you remain consistent, the other person will understand and accept the new situation.
When should you ask for coaching in a „friend or boss” situation?
Then, if you feel that:
* you don't know, how to communicate your new role,
* guilt you feel when you make decisions as a leader,
* or if within the team voltages have emerged because of the new dynamics.
The coaching helps self-reflection, boundary-setting and communication, to find the balance between man and driver.
What is boundary pushing as a leader?
Border demarcation is not wall-building, but a conscious decision to do so, what, when and with whom you share.
Management boundaries protect trust, team dynamics and clarity of decisions.
When you know where the boundaries are, both parties feel safe in the relationship.
Who is the leader and how is it different from the „boss”?
The „boss” gives orders, the leader inspires.
The boss is in charge, the leader out of relationship and trust build.
A good leader does not use the hierarchy, but the example and the communication.
Effective teams follow leaders, not bosses.
Who is a friend in the workplace?
A friend is someone with whom mutual trust, honesty and support is present - not only in the good times, but also in the difficult moments.
Friendship at work is particularly sensitive because intertwining professional and personal space, so conscious communication and mutual respect are particularly important.
What kind of relationship can there be between a friend and a leader?
Between friend and leader there can be a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, but only if they both recognise it:
at work leadership comes first,
and friendship is feeds on trust, not out of favouritism.
Relationships work well when boundaries are clear, communication is open and both parties understand when they are in which role.
How can I maintain friendship if I have to make decisions as a leader over the other?
Honest, open discussion is the key.
Don't try to deny that the situation has changed - say it.
If you both accept the roles, the friendship may change, but it doesn't have to be lost.
What's the biggest mistake young leaders make when managing their former colleagues?
The fact that they don't talk about change.
Many people try to „carry on as before” or, on the contrary, suddenly become too hard.
The solution: conscious communication + consistent leadership + human presence.
How can I set boundaries without appearing cold?
With empathy and explanation.
If you tell me, why the border is important, and they see that you are not doing it against them, but for the sake of the relationship, then you are not being cold, but respect they will feel.
What should I do if my boyfriend is offended because I don't share everything with him anymore?
Be honest about the fact that as a leader, certain information you cannot pass on - it's not about trust, it's about role.
If you communicate consistently and respectfully, over time he will understand and accept.
And a few other similar topics:
❓1. What is the meaning of boundary delineation in a managerial context?
Answer:
Managing boundaries means consciously separating your professional and personal roles to create a safe, transparent team. It's not keeping your distance, it's consistency.
❓2. What does it mean to „go from friend to leader”?
Answer:
This situation arises when an employee is promoted to a management position and former friends become subordinates. The transition is about redefining roles and maintaining mutual trust.
❓3. How should a young leader set boundaries between former colleagues?
Answer:
Start with an honest conversation: tell them that the relationship is still important, but that you now have other responsibilities at work. Open communication will help avoid misunderstandings.
❓4. What is the difference between the role of a leader and a boss in a friendly relationship?
Answer:
The boss gives orders, the leader inspires. In a friendly relationship, a true leader leads by example and builds trust, not by abusing his position.
❓5. How to balance friendship and leadership?
Answer:
Balance is based on honest communication and consistency. Friendship can be maintained if you both respect your roles at work.
❓6. Why is boundary delineation important for leadership credibility?
Answer:
Clear boundaries build trust. When everyone knows what to expect from you, your leadership credibility and team stability are strengthened.
❓7. How do I communicate that I am in a different role as a leader, but I also want to maintain friendship?
Answer:
Say openly that friendship is valuable to you, but that you are now responsible for decisions as a leader. Honesty releases tension and gives room for a new balance.
❓8. What should I do if my boyfriend doesn't accept that I'm his boss now?
Answer:
Make it clear that the relationship has not changed, but the responsibility has. If the other person cannot adapt, keep it professional and give them time to accept the situation.
❓9. Why is it difficult to manage ex-boyfriends as a leader?
Answer:
Because personal and professional loyalties are mixed. It's difficult to establish a new role after a previous one of equals, but consciously drawing boundaries helps to maintain trust.
❓10. How can coaching help someone go from friend to leader?
Answer:
Coaching helps you to see your role more clearly, develop self-reflection and find your own leadership style. It also helps you to manage personal relationships more authentically.
