Why Do You Say Yes When You Want to Say No? – The People Pleaser Syndrome, or How to Lose Yourself
Zsolt's story began when he was given a new position at work. He thought this would be his big breakthrough. Instead, he realized that everyone was assigning him extra tasks because they knew he would never say no. And Zsolt really didn't say no. Ever.
What or Who is "people pleaser"?
A "people pleaser" might sound like this in English: a person who constantly wants to meet the expectations of others. Everybody loves him because he is always kind, helpful, always there when you need him and of course he gets everything done because he is so good at it... But there is a secret price: while completely suppressing your own feelings, desires and needs.
A people pleaser does not want to cause a problem. He does not like to get into conflict. He is doing his utmost to be "cool". However, this constant "being good" is after a while not only tiring, but also can be dangerous - both mentally and emotionally.
Familiar feelings? Then you might be a people pleaser too:
1. You can't say no
One of Zsolt's bosses asked him to help with a presentation for another group. He had two deadlines to meet, but he couldn't say, "I'm sorry, I can't fit you in now." Instead, he stayed until midnight.
Why? Because he felt that if he said no, he would be disappointed. And that scared him.
2. You are afraid of conflict
Whether in his relationship or at work, Zsolt tended to swallow his feelings. If his girlfriend hurt him, he just smiled. "It's no big deal," he said as he stewed inside.
But in fact: every unspoken sentence became a thorn in his soul.
3. Too concerned about what people think of you
Zsolt checked every email five times to make sure no one misunderstood. If someone in the office looked at him the slightest bit "funny", he'd snap, "What have I done wrong? Are you mad at me?"
This constant brainstorming has completely consumed him.
4. You neglect your own needs
Zsolt has not been to the gym for months. His hobbies? He forgot about them. He was running from one family activity to another because he didn't want to be a "bad grandson/brother/brother-in-law".
But in the meantime he forgot: he is also important. He matters too.
How does someone become a people pleaser?
The "people pleaser" behaviour not overnight. Some people grew up this way, others were forced into it by life.
1. Childhood patterns
Zsolt's parents were strict. He only got recognition if he "behaved well". If he made a mistake or said no? There came punishment or silent rejection. That's how he learned: I am only lovable if I please everyone.
2. Low self-esteem
Many people want to please others at all costs because deep down they think they do: "I'm not good enough." This is how they try to "earn" likeability. But it's a vicious circle: the more you focus on others, the less you see your own worth.
3. Social pressure
"Be nice, don't argue, adapt!" we hear as children. Women in particular are taught this. But men are not safe either. In the workplace, in the family, the man who "never complains" is often rewarded.
The downsides of being a people pleaser
Although from the outside, people pleasers often appear to be "ideal, well-balanced people", often suffer inside.
Burnout
By the end of 2023, Zsolt was already sick in the mornings at the thought of the office. He no longer enjoyed the work and wanted to get through it every day. He pushed himself to the limit for others.
Buried feelings
The unspoken anger, disappointment, sadness doesn't go away - it just builds up. And one day it explodes. One night, Zsolt started shouting at his current girlfriend over the smallest thing. Not because of him - but because of all the repressed feelings.
Usability
People who always help, often as a "useful person" in the minds of others. Zsolt noticed at one point: many of his colleagues only write to it if you need help. Otherwise it remains "invisible".
Can this be changed? YES!
The most important thing Zsolt has learned is: it's not selfishness if you take care of yourself. In fact, you can only really help others if you are well.
1. Drawing boundaries
Zsolt started to say no. Not rudely, not hurtfully - just simply, respectfully. For example:
"I'm sorry, I have too many tasks right now, I can't do it."
Surprisingly: the world has not collapsed. In fact, some of his colleagues even came to respect him more.
2. Self-reflection
We've been working on getting you to listen to yourself. Why are you saying yes? What are you afraid of? Who are you trying to please?
One day he wrote this in his diary:
"I said no today and I had stomach cramps all day. But in the evening I finally had time for myself. And it felt good."
3. Developing self-esteem
Zsolt worked with a coach to not the opinions of others determine its value. In coaching, she has learned: it's good enough even if it doesn't always help. When you're tired. When he says no.
Because the real value comes from within, not from the recognition of others.
It's OK to be nice - just don't forget yourself
Kindness is a value. Compassion is a value. So is helping. But if everyone else always comes first, then someone is bound to be left out: yourself.
Zsolt is no longer "everyone's favourite". But happier, calmer, healthier. Some people were offended when he started saying no. But you know what? Real relationships can take it.
If you know yourself, try these today:
- Write me down three things you want to do just for yourself.
- Think back to the last time you said yes when you didn't mean to. Why did you?
- Practice saying, "Now is not a good time, but I'm happy to help another time."
Start small. Every "no" brings you closer to to a more honest, free, healthy life.
